Dear Daddy,

Dear Daddy,

Although we never got to know each other intimately or even as father and daughter, I feel compelled to tell you about who I was, am and will become. I fully understand the difference between my Heavenly Father and you but maybe more importantly I understand the need for earthly relationships and inner peace.

I do not have peace about the relationship we did not have. The last conversation with you was not pleasant from what I remember. It was about me dating a Mexican guy in high school even though I was in college and moved on to more serious and destructive relationships by then. I recall seeing the guilt on my mama's face when I discovered that she had started smoking again after two heart attacks and wondering if you had anything to do with it. I remember always seeing you in slacks or jeans with a sharp crease, nice hat and well ironed shirt. Your hair and moustache was always trimmed but you rarely smiled. If you did, I never saw it.

Anyway, as I have gotten older with kids of my own, it makes me desire for them to have a better relationship with their father. Not anything forced by me, but orchestrated by the hand of God. I pray often that no matter the choices me and their father make, that God give them the wisdom to always do what is pleasing to Him. I realized, I need to pray the same prayer for myself. You and my mama made some huge mistakes that God loved you in spite of. When I became an adult and started making similar bad decisions, I realized that "we do what we know". No books from school, college or the library can teach us half the things just plain old experience has taught me. Maybe that is why God loves us in spite of because He knows that experience truly is the best teacher.

When I attended your funeral in 2004, I thought any bitterness, resentment and unresolved emotions were passed me. Upon looking at you resting in that coffin, I immediately became angry at how peaceful you looked while I stood there with no help or answers to all the questions that swarmed around in my head. Did you know I graduated from college? Did you know that I had poor choice in men? Not that the men were bad people, they just were not a good fit for me. I believe in monogamy and respect and most of them struggled with that. Did you know that I used to curse a lot but now it is foreign to me? Did you know that I wanted to major in architecture but let a teacher turn me off of it by giving me a C on a project I know deserved an A? Did you know I have few friends but the ones I do are good as gold to me? Did you know I do not like pets? My friends have them and that's cute and all but I never inquire about them. Did you know I saw a baby be born by a 15-yr old girl? Did you know that a couple took care of me and molded most of my adult life and to this day I do not know why they gave so much of themselves and expected nothing in return? Did you know I got married? Did you know I had a baby? Did you know I owned my own home? Did you know I never got hooked on drugs or ever broke a bone even after playing sports for over 10 yrs? Did you know that Jesus is the Lord of my life?

I do not know how you would have known these things but maybe you did. I hope you did. I hope you were proud even if you never told anybody.

Uncle W told me that you gave your life to the Lord before you died and this I am glad. I am unsure if it was before or after you realized you were sick but it does not matter. Since you did this, we will see each other again and you can tell me the answer to all my questions. Plus you can answer mine- why did you or did you kill that man? What made you choose drugs over life? My siblings told me you were so talented and knowledgeable about tons of things, why didn't I get to find this out for myself? How long did we live near each other on the East coast and never knew it or made contact? Did you play any instruments? Could you sing? What did you like doing as a kid? Do you really have a son named Michael that is near my age? Did you love me?

Don't ask me why I am crying while I am typing this because I don't even know. I am sure I have more questions but cannot compose myself to ask you about them. In the meantime I will ask Aunt D and Uncle W and see what they can tell me. I really thought I was past caring about you, our non-existent relationship and your family in general. For some reason, I need peace about it all. You can't give it to me but I sure am looking for it.

My kids are beautiful with loving spirits and outgoing personalities. You would love them. I guess you both got cheated on this one, huh? Don't worry though, God will have me to do right by them and I thank Him for that. I am starting my own business so I can not only help generations of families but to show my girls they can do anything with the love of God. If you have not realized, God is the love of my life. I do not know how I would have gotten as far as I have today with Him. I guess you know this though, right?

Gotta go.

Love,

Me